Military Sexual Trauma (MST) – You Are Not Alone

When I went for help in the military after the gang rape, I could not articulate the word rape. I could not even explain that I was having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms. I couldn’t sleep, my nervous system was hyper-sensitive, and I was on edge all the time. The system that I was in not only supported the perpetrators, but they punished the victims for their symptoms. I was labeled “crazy woman” and sent on at least 2 psychiatric evaluations. The evaluators were psychiatrists. Men wearing white lab coats. I was completely dissociated most of the time. Having been a mime prior to my commission I was used to thinking in terms of things that weren’t there. I created a dog (invisible) who would pee on the doctors’ legs. When I was sent back to my base I was not allowed to work in the hospital even though I had successfully completed the nursing internship program above standard. During the discharging process the system discovered a “miscalculation” on my paycheck. They had been paying me to live off base. They hadn’t changed this when I was assigned to Edward’s Air Force Base where I was living on base. I had interviewed at UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute and was hired. They waited for over 5 months for me to begin working there until the debt that the Air Force created was paid back. My entire paycheck went to pay the debt that the Air Force created. I had no money. I a beautiful young woman and vulnerable. I went out with 15 Air Force men on dates so that I could eat dinner. For breakfast, I ate either leftovers from dinner or opened a can of soup from the charity drive at the church. Two of those 15 men were perpetrators. I was date raped twice in those 5 months. One of the perpetrators who knew my situation took my credit cards from me because he, “Didn’t want me to run them up and have bad credit.” This was the same officer who after the date rape told me, “Nobody is going to believe you. You’re a crazy woman.” Why did the Air Force not just allow me to go work and pay them off as I worked at UCLA? I do not know.

What I do know is that I was not alone in the way I was treated. This experience I had was common! So common in fact that there was a group of military people who loaned me money so that I could make the move and rent a place when I started to work at UCLA. This group told me to pay back the loan when I could so that money would be available to help the next veteran in need. I paid it back within 4 months after being employed at UCLA. Why was there an already established group outside the military services to help military people in a financial crunch?

Sister or brother…we are not alone in the way the system treats us. Physical rape and financial rape which leads to spiritual rape. When something so horrible happens to you that you can’t even wrap your mind around the event(s) you begin to doubt there is a God. Why would this happen to me? I am a good person. Why would this happen to me? It leaves you in such a place of darkness and despair. That is exactly the intention. It is purposeful destruction of your soul. We are fighting a spiritual war. Cold is the absence of Heat. Dark is the absence of Light. Evil is the absence of God. You might feel separated and alone. You are not alone. Ask for God to come into your heart. Connect again. It is part of the healing process to allow the feeling (anger, resentment, rage, betrayal) then learn what the trauma’s purpose was…what did you learn from the trauma? Then you will see the light in other’s and help them shine as well. 

Heidi Lobstein MSN, RN 2025